LEWES ARMS: AN UNUSUAL INCIDENT

At approximately 12.47 Monday lunchtime, the Sussex Police received a call from the Lewes Arms public house complaining that a mob were besieging the building, shouting at customers and "leering through windows."

A WPC was swiftly dispatched to deal with the situation.

Arriving on foot minutes later, she encountered a crowd consisting of a middle aged woman in a tweed jacket, an alleged radio 4 newsreader (bearded), a younger woman with a baked potato and a black labrador dog with more than a suspicion of Collie about him.

Swiftly and calmly appraising the situation the WPC recognised that the only law being broken was the law of nature which dictates that on a cold winter's day people should be inside the Lewes Arms not loitering on the doorstep drinking tea, from mugs.

The mob informed her that their behaviour was forced by the lack of Harveys inside. Sceptical as to the veracity of this outlandish claim, the WPC entered the pub to determine any further intelligence and emerged some minutes later, visibly shaken to discover that there was indeed no Harveys. She spent some further time with the mob who had by now started eating toffees.

Assured that the immediate threat to public order had been averted the WPC returned to the adjacent Police Station from where she vowed to keep an eye on the mob by "glancing up from time to time".

The mob then headed in an easterly direction and were last seen in the Gardeners doing what can only be described as "enjoying themselves".

The dog remains under suspicion.